Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
One evening this drunk walks into a bar, sits down, and happens to notice a 12" tall man standing on the bar. Astonished, the man asks the guy next to him; "What the hell is that?" The guy next to him replies "He's a pianist!", to which the drunk replied "Horse shit, your pulling my leg" So the guy next to him picks up the 12" man , grabs some books, and props the little man up to the piano. Sure enough, this little man started hammerin out all the favorite tunes of the bars' patrons. Stunned, the drunk asks "That little guy is cool, where the hell did you get him"? The fella told the drunk how he had found a genie bottle out in the alley, rubbed it til a genie appeared, and was granted one wish. All of a sudden the drunk hauls ass out the back door, finds the bottle, and starts rubbing it: when all of a sudden a genie pops out and grants him one wish. In a slur, the drunk asks "I wish for a million bucks". All of a sudden, the sky turns black and overhead a million ducks come flying overhead shittin all over him. Angrily, the drunk runs back inside, slams the door and begins cursing "You son of a bitch, I found that genie bottle and wished for a million bucks and all of a sudden there are a million ducks shitting all over my new suit." The fella started laughing and wildly exclaimed "You don't really think I wished for a 12" pianist do you?"


~~~~~~~~~~~~
After thirty-five years of marriage, Bernie is lying on his deathbed and with a tear in his eye he says "Annabel before I die I have to tell you something". She replies "Yes, yes dear anything what is it?" He starts, "The first year we were together, I caught pneumonia and almost died. You sat by my bed and nursed me back to health." To which the wife nods her head and he continues, "When I lost half my family in the terrible car crash, it was you by my side who kept me going. When our kids grew up and ran away from home, you sat with me and comforted me! And when I lost everything last year in the fire at the store, you were right by my side the whole time. Annabel You've been through everything with me." Bernie says, "So before I die I just want you to know you're a freaking jinx!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem," she complained, "is that it wakes me up."

~~~~~~~~~~~~
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Thanks to all of you who came by and ed stuff!























Please go visit these folks galleries......

When CRS strikes
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. "I'm 90 years old," he says. "90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?" "Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A matter of time.... Military Time that is....

A young , attractive woman thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him, "Major, when was the last time you had sex?"

"1956," was his reply. "No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Major, you need to get out more!"

"I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch, ..."It's only 2014 now."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Joke that was supposed to be here was
CENSORED
by =LadyAliceofOz

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mistaken Identity
A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!" The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He says, "No you idiot! This is her husband!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maybe this guy needs a second opinion...
"I can't find a cause for your illness," the doctor said. "Frankly, I think it's due to drinking." "In that case," replied his patient, "I'll come back when you are sober."

Okies! So here's the "self promotion feature". I'll start with the questions;

1. Who are you?
Male, 170 lbs, 5'9" tall, Ash Blond hair. I'm a fiscal conservative, and a social moderate, which makes me a Republicrat.... or anarchist, one or the other.

2. What is your artistic passion?
Actually, I appreciate all art, although I'm not much into Anime... Personally it's not hard to guess I'm into photography. I do "display photography" for my business, but nature is my passion. My second passion is writing, I have a book finished and someday will look for a publisher for it.(once I figure out how to go about that!)

3. Why did you get into art?
Evolution. I was born into it. My father was a professional Wedding/Portrait photographer, my mother did oils for the business, as well as retouching the negatives and prints. My eldest sister is a traditional artist (oil painting)

4. How do you inspire yourself.
I'm capable of motivating myself, but when it comes to art, Nature inspires me. The beauty of nature when you look at the symmetry, and brilliance of a flower, the dramatic contrast in a sunset with the the myriad of colors that the sun creates as it filters it's light through the atmosphere. Animals with their different skin textures, and furs. I'm more into capturing what my eye sees, rather than "creating" any illusions. Just my personal preferences....

5. Where would you like to see yourself in 5 years.
This is one of those "Twentysomething" type of questions..... First I suppose I'd like to be seeing myself at 58 years old! (In other words still alive!) Since I have a business, I'd like to see the economy improve so that it would be doing a bit better. I would like to see the aforementioned book published, and making a bit of money off of it. Now, if we could change the question a bit and make it say 10 years from now.... I'd like to be traveling with =LadyAliceofOz in our new motorhome, writing, and shooting photos with a new Nikon D20,000. ( ) Putting up journals and photos on DA, and maybe being able to visit in person some more of my friends here on DA.

So here's the feature part! I've included some comments of my own regarding these particular shots.... Oftentimes people don't realize the complexity of capturing what the eye sees. Many times, you can take a shot that is less than perfect, and squirell it around with the color and create a piece of "art". It's far more important to me to convey to the viewer the beauty in the reality of the shot.



This shot I took last evening, at Mexico Beach, Florida, where we are right now. The conditions were dreadful, it was misting rain when we started fro the beach... I really don't like getting equipment wet, or even damp. Nature provided a reward, though it took many exposures to get this one the way I wanted it. In this particular shot I was trying to get the sunlight playing off the wet sand, the breaking waves, obviously the sun, as well as the various levels of cloud cover. Just for information sake, the little dark spots are birds. The overall "soft focus" is intentional, I wanted to convey a more serine feeling of hope, rather than the ominous feeling of stormy seas.



Again, here I'm trying to depict a serene easy evening sitting by the lake, watching the sun go down. I wanted to give the shot a bit of depth with the vegetation in the foreground. I intentionally shot this at a bend in the lake to give the viewer a bit of the "What's around the bend" thought.



This rose photo was a fit of inspiration to me. If you read the artists comments, you'll note I shot this at night with an LED light for illumination. I wanted to light a subject from behind, so as to make it appear as if it were glowing. Light and what it does tends to facinate me. Light is a bit different when you bounce it off a subject, from when you shoot it through the subject.



I seldom get a chance to shoot totally still water like this, so I was really pleased with this shot. Autumn seems to pass too quickly for me. Probably because this time of year I'm on the road so much. Again, here's nature creating the beautiful colors of fall.



I think this is my most ed deviation. We were at a campground in Pell City, AL. That morning I was up early, and answering my messages on DA, when =LadyAliceofOz crawled out of bed and came up, looked out the window and noted the foggy sunrise. I grabbed my camera and tripod, then zoomed up and down the bank shooting the sunrise. I did have to do a bit of editing on this one to get rid of some annoying power lines on the far bank (which is an island) and some unsightly lens flares.



This shot is probably one of my best animal shots. I was extremely pleased with the texture and detail of the feathers. The scene is obviously "The Beach", with the waves in the background.

Since this feature is about self promotion, I'd like to remind you about the "Mr. & Mrs. Deviant Awards" which =LadyAliceofOz and I have been nominated for. If you have a chance, please go to: [link] and drop them a note if you wish to make this happen. I think it would be interesting for a couple to actually win this award. I normally refrain from asking my friends to go vote for Alice and myself for anything, (smacks of ballot box stuffing in a way...) but in this case it would really mean a lot to Alice if we were able to win this one. To me it would be nice if the "Mr. and Mrs." were actually married to each other as well... It was quite an honor for us to be even thought of.

So! There you have it! Now back to my normal type of journal!

There was this old woman who heard a song called "Two Lips and Seven Kisses." She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, "Do you have "Two Lips and Seven Kisses?"

The gas station attendant who answered the phone, was a bit of a smart ass, said,
"No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!"

So the woman asked, "Is that a record?"

To which the man replied, "No...... its average."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bubba says to Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again." Lester says, "So what you gonna do different this year?" Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three very macho mice are standing around trying to outdo each other. The first mouse says, "You know those little pellets they put out around the house trying to poison us? I love those things. I eat 'em like candy." The second mouse, not to be outdone says, "Oh yeah? Well, you know those mousetraps they put out to try to catch us? What I do is get on the trap, grab the cheese, and then flip over onto my back, and when the steel bar comes swinging down I grab it and do bench presses with it." The third mouse says, "You guys are really a couple of tough mice, and I'd love to keep hangin' out with you here, but I gotta go screw the cat."

Hi Everyone!
Well I put up a deviation today... finally! My Deviations and Message center is totally filled up and tomorrow I'll be putting up a new journal. If you want to know what's gone on so far check out =LadyAliceofOz's journal here: [link]

The only thing she didn't bother to mention is the laptop playing silly little games on her, but I think I have that issue under control by changing a few of the mysterious hidden little settings in Vista. Someday soon I hope to be able to mount a full blown desktop computer in the motorhome just for photoediting purposes. That way I'll get to use a comp more often when we're on the road.

That's all for this evening.... I'll be putting up a new journal sometime tomorrow.

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"

"Fertilizer," the farmer replied. "What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.

"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer. "You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart
attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?" She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young couple were on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she had a confession to make. The reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat chested.

"If you want to cancel the wedding, then I'll understand," she said. The guy remarked, "I don't mind that you're flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage anyway."

Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also had a confession to make. The reason that they have not been too intimate is because he is just like a baby below the waist. The girl remarked, "I don't mind that like a baby below the
waist, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage anyway."

And so, the happy couple went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes. True to her word, she is as flat as a washboard. Then, the guy took
off his clothes. After one glance at his naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.

When she regained consciousness, the guy said, "I told you before we got married, so why were you so surprised?"

"You told me it was just like a baby." The guy replied, "It is! 8 pounds and 21 inches long!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

Industry Ninja:

^pinguino


Ring Master & Community Projects:

^PurpelBlur


Anime/Manga:
^budgie


Anthro:
^Katmomma

^savagebinn


Artisan Crafts:
^Kitten-of-Woe

Comics & Cartoons:
^Thiefoworld

^Cedarseed


Customization

Digital Dolls:
^Pyrochan-dolls

Emoticons:
^Synfull^CookiemagiK

Icons:
^yingjunjiu

Handhelds:
^jbensch

Skins & Themes:
^mrrste

Visualizations:
^Grandchild

Wallpaper:
^splintered13^l8

Designs & Interfaces:
^NunoDias


deviantART Related:
^DCZed


Digital Art:
^JunkbyJen ^archanN

3-Dimensional:
^joannastar

Fractal Art:
^cmptrwhz ^Platinus

Photomanipulation:
^Destin8x

Pixel Art:
^armaina ^Mistress-Jaeden

Text Art:
^Sander-Seto

Vector:
^Ikue


Fan Art:
^ArtisticAunJuli

Film:
^ElectrikPinkPirate
^SkippyJr
^kmdigital

Animation:
^InpuUpUaut

Flash:
^Age2003

Game Art:
^ForksOfTheSalad ^technographer

Literature:
^StJoan
^LadyLincoln
^fllnthblnk
^SparrowSong

Photography: ^zerocomplex ^PorcelainPoet
Abstract & Surreal & Fetish: ^opioid
Animals, Plants & Nature: ^kkart
Artistic Nudes: ^wynnesome ^quietchildae
Commercial: ^orangefruits
Experimental Photography: ^Gonzale
Glamour & Pin-up: ^cosfrog
Horror/Macabre: ^RockstarVanity
Macro: ^dandelgrosso
Photojournalism: ^estudio ^Helewidis
Street Photography: ^bQw

Resources & Stock :
^znow-white
^LawrenceDeDark
^Hanratty-Stock

Science-Fiction & Space Art:
^gucken
^taenaron

Traditional Art:
^oilsoaked
^snowmask

Body Art: ^Battledress

Sculpture: ^Thebuild

Street Art: ^noxiousone

A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. The friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention ?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me."

"I know !" grinned the patient. "But the Nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven
stitches."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jack was returning to work Monday morning with two black eyes. His workmates were understandably curious: "Jack, what happened to you?!?" "It was the darndest thing! I was at church yesterday, and this fat lady stood up in front of me. You know how a dress can get stuck in the crack of the butt of a fat lady? It looked funny. I figured she wouldn't like that, so I just reached over and pulled it out with a little tug. Next thing I know, she spins around and socks me one!"

"Jeez, you got TWO black eyes in one blow?"

"Naw. After she turned back around, I figured she was angry that I pulled the dress out of her crack, so I tried to poke it back in..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two men are playing tennis, one man falls and hits his elbow and decides to go to the doctors, the other man says "Don't waste any money on the doctors, just go inside the store at the corner down the street, put $10 in the machine in the corner, piss in the cup, let it do its thing and a slip of paper will come out that tells you what you have". So he goes to the store puts ten dollars in the machine, pisses in the cup and out comes a piece of paper it says "You have tennis elbow take this ointment cream and apply it on your elbow 3-4 times a daily". So he goes home wondering how it knew what was wrong, and wanted to see if this machine is a real miracle worker, so he goes home and gets his sisters piss, brothers piss, dogs piss, and jacks-off in the cup goes back to the store, puts ten dollars in the machine and places the cup in the machine. The paper comes out and says "Your sister has gonorrhea, your brother is gay, your dog has worms, and if you keep jacking-off like that you'll never lose that tennis elbow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When Ralph first noticed that his manhood was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery. "How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously. "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor. "Well," said the wife, "you are planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen!"